at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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