you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
