He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
