I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
