I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
