i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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