Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
