I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
