i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
