I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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