help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
