It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
