Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
