tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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