At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
