I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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