K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
