I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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