Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
