Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
