he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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