You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
