i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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