I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
