You're my little dorito
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
