paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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