how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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