"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
