Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
