im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I AM VODKA MAN
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
