I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
