Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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