i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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