They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
