i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
