so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You ruined the universe
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
