I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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