you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
