I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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