Screwed.edu
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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