I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
