We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just want to make out with him forever
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm sobbing to NWA
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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