Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
