Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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