I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
