Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
