I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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