My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just gargled with NyQuil
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
