It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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