how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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