there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
